Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Behind the Curtain

through the curtain
A few of you have asked how I can write. 

 Now, at a time like this? 

Sometimes I ask myself how all my bumbling thoughts make it past my cloudy mind and shaking hands to hit the keys in just the right order. Ha, as I accidentally type "write order" instead of "right order." Yes, cloudy head full of mush.

I used to write more. A few short stories, lists, comments, thoughts and lots of letters. Random bits of my life now scattered through various hard drives and boxes of memories. Writing helps. I haven't done it in a long time but I am finding it's my way of coping ... of venting ... of sharing.

However, in the midst of all this, I have asked myself ... do I share to much? Do I rely on you to much? To read what I write, to burden you with my heart.

Not coincidentally (I don't believe in coincidence anymore - let's call it serendipity instead), I recently read this post by Corinne of So September. How small the world has become through this thing called blogging. She writes about how we can know so much about each other, and then not know how much to say in our comments or email. Can blogging and commenting (or not) make for mostly one-sided relationships? I think not ... not by your responses to my recent posts. I know you can't comment every time. But trust me, every time you do it helps me to know you each a little better.

Is it too much?
to ask ... to share ... to want ... to give

But this is, after all, my blog ... my patchwork blog ... maybe it's a patchwork of my life.

Ok, so you ask

"Where IS the PATCHWORK?"

It's here! I promise. 

Honestly, I haven't felt like much but a few projects have surfaced on their own and so I haven't been able to ignore them. As usual I have more than one project in the works.

... One is by hand, well actually it's several. Embroidered memories of Saskia and Arne for their godparents and grandparents (although I'm still struggling with the last ones).  Somehow as they acknowledge (or not) that our hopes and dreams have been dashed I don't think it has hit them that two (more) grandchildren were born. Born and snatched from us before they even got a chance to
say hello.

Saskia and Arne weren't just brother and sister. 

They were more than just our daughter and son! (sorry, feel the need to shout here). 

They were also grandchildren, nieces, nephews and cousins!

I can't explain why it's so hard to accept that no one has asked ...
... under "normal" circumstances they would have.

... so just for the record ...

... for here and now ... 

Saskia looked just like her daddy. She had his sweet round childish face and definitely his nose. Axel dreamed a few weeks ago that she had my eyes and hair. But sadly her eyes were closed so I will just trust him that she did.

Arne had a tear in his eye when the nurse gave him to me. His nose was mine ... and my dad's ... running the straight and narrow in his beautiful long face. They were beautiful. They were

Just as we dreamed. 

I won't get started on their hands and feet. Oh, their feet - those poor kids. Saskia's were HUGE! Bigger than Arne's. Their footprints resemble ours. One had my toes, the other Axel's.

How is this possible? 

They were so perfect ...

So, funnily enough, my second project has to do with privacy. Curtains. For my office / atelier. I have huge north-facing windows that are directly on the street. Every passing soul walks past my front window. It's a huge window - I'd show you a pic but remember that computer problem? Well it hasn't gone away. Thank goodness I can use my laptop as a backup for blogging and emails.  But those icky ucky landlord-grade grey sheers needed to go. They provided no privacy. If I worked in my office in the evenings you could see right through. I felt like I was in a fishbowl. They also provide no warmth. Not a good thing for north facing windows in wintry Belgium. So the window treatment will eventually involve "layers." I'm patching up the first layer now. Inspired by this and this, by the lovely Victoria of The Silly BooDilly. My interpretation is turning out beautiful (if I say so myself) and I promise to share soon.

And then there's the third project. Honestly I had NO intention of starting another quilt. Sewing isn't easy right now. But I do find it helping too. My thoughts tumble through my head while I sew. Sometimes taking shape sometimes dissipating before I know what they are. But most of my writing is drafted in front of the sewing machine.

So I've made a bunch of these blocks. More than a dozen already - they're quite quick. 

Can you guess what they're for?

Mystery Project

And in the meantime more blocks have arrived from friends here in Belgium ... as well as two lovely scented sachets from Aisling (darn no pic) must take one tomorrow!

Thank you again.

For letting me vent and share.

xox Jovita

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  1. I'm not sure how to approach this except for head on. I found your blog thru the Fat Quarter Star Quilt Along. I have been here since then. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have a grandchild waiting for me. You and your husband have been on my heart so much. I would like to send you a block that has been on my mind, but I don't know the size to make or where to send it. If this is too much for you please except my sincere apology. May He give you peace.

  2. Jovita, our hearts were broken with you, we don't ask because due to fear it will be tackless and cause more pain, but know that you know we will be hear and willing to listen when you are ready to share. It is better for you to share and I am so glad you trust us enough to do it. Darleen

  3. My dear "sister from another mother." I am here to hear anything you are willing to share. There's nothing you can say or write that I wouldn't consider a gift of your heart. I love your descriptions of dear Saskia and Arne. Saskia and those big feet! :-) (I love that name, by the way.) It just all seemed to happen so fast. One day I was feeling good, that your situation had improved, and that although you were going to be in bed for the next three months, the children and you were not in danger.

    And then came that unbelievable, please let it be a dream or let me be reading this wrong, message about looking into the faces of your children. My heart aches for you and Axel and your extended family. I can't begin to imagine what the pain must be like for you.

    I'm here for you, kiddo. Deb

  4. I think you should grieve however you want. If it's sewing that helps you through it or writing you should do it. There is no right or wrong answer.
    Take care of yourselves and let the ones around you, love you and help you through.

  5. Dear Jovita and Axel. Thanks for sharing your children with us. Your descriptions of them were precious and allowed each of us a glimpse of them. Keep those perfect images forever in your heart. I don't profess to know what you are going through as I never had to deal with loss of a baby. Know, though, that you are thought of often and your strength inspires. Emmy

  6. You never fail to amaze me Jovita with your writing & insights. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. Your descriptions of Saskia & Arne are beautiful & to be treasured - as your memories of them always will be. Just know that you're both in my thoughts every day. All my love. Julie (p.s. there's a sewing machine here with your name on it!)

  7. All you can do is take one day at a time, and sharing your pain lightens your load just a little. We're all glad to take a bit of it for you. I was just an "anonymous" customer in Wa., but also went to many of your Pac. Fab. shows so feel I know you much better than you'll ever know me. Praying for healing for both you and Axel.

  8. Jovita,
    I think Darleen said it best. Many of us (okay, me), feel uncomfortable and don't know how to comfort someone who is grieving a death of someone(s) so special and important in your lives. I think the fear of adding to the pain you feel kept me from writing more when I found out. I was so excited for you when I found out you were pregnant and devastated for you when Saskia & Arne were lost. They sound like they were so totally precious! I love that she had big feet and he had your nose.

    Write as you can, if it helps. Sew when you can, if it helps. Things will return to normal at some point, but that doesn't mean that it will be the same normal.

    Thinking of you & Axel,

  9. Jovita, I agree with Deb who expressed my feelings very eloquently. I am honored by your choice to share your feelings with others and I believe it is healthy for you to move through your grief in whatever manner works. I am touched by your descriptions of your children and love that you shared them. Please take the time you need to process what has to be an overwhelming loss. There are so many of us out here thinking of and praying for you and Axel. Blessings, my Dear, and share when you can. Hugs, Laura Reinstatler

  10. Jovita, I too found you through the fat quarter stars quilt along and was so thrilled for you when you shared the reason behind the pattern you designed and felt so much sorrow for you when you lost Saskia & Arne. I know that people a lot of times don't ask the questions that we would like them to because they don't want to intrude and they think those questions might cause more sorrow. Thank you for sharing how beautiful your children are and never feel that you are sharing too much if it is in your heart to do so. At some point of every day my thoughts go to you and your husband and I say a lttle prayer for both of you that you will be able to get through this and come out stronger on the other side.

  11. Jovita and Axel,

    I haven't ask just waiting to let you share, thank you. They are truly angels. I think of you guys, my prayers are with you. Patti

  12. Jovita, I also participated in the Fat Quarter Stars Quilt Along. I think we were all so saddened for someone we've never met, but whose passion for quilting is one we share. You are in our thoughts and prayers. I am overwhelmed with your special words from the heart. You have a gift for expressing yourself and your skills in using words to share, or "vent" will help you so very much with the healing process. Take care of yourself.

  13. I love this. And like everyone else, I wasn't going to ask because I knew you'd share if and when you were ready (although I did wonder and imagine and pray for you). I also would love to contribute a heart and am wondering if you would be willing to share the size of the block? At the rate you're going, you're going to end up with a quilt that will cover even Axel! <3


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