Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Shoulders of Yesterday

Jeebers, yesterday was a doozy. And I'm sorry if it felt like it came from no where. To be honest I felt it coming. I felt it last week when walking to the car for a day of errands my eyes welled up. It went away and the day proceeded without a hitch. Some success on the shopping front some not-so. All in all a rather uneventful day.

Last weekend we painted the kitchen. It went along fine and I actually did more than I planned. Axel sat down at the table with the iPad and worked on some tour planning for customers visiting in September and I cut around all the edges and put a first coat on every single wall. A beautiful clean slate - perfect for snapping a pic of these lovely blooms.


Monday .. eh, I worked on taxes. 
I did pretty good. 
But I was tired. 
I haven't been sleeping again.

Tuesday - yesterday - I woke up too early again
From a nightmare. 
And then it all steamrolled. 
Every . single . little . thing made me cry.

I slept better last night and am doing better today.

I know some of it is hormones. 
I know some of it is not knowing. 
I hate feeling this way. 
I have never liked rollercoasters. 

And I miss me. 
I miss my confidence. 
I despise my doubts. 
I am frustrated by everything.

But there are good things afoot too. The house is looking good. I'm putting some of my pointless energy into sprucing it up. It never happened here. We moved in when I was pregnant the first time. Two weeks later I miscarried. This house has never gotten the attention it deserves. And it's time to make it more of a home. One step at a time.

We're also planning a get away. In May. I can hardly wait. Eight nights, nine days away. It will be a lot of driving but we're looking forward to it. I'll tell you more soon. But for now .. have you been here? We'd love any advise!


So to all of you who said a prayer, held us in your thoughts, dropped a line or commented on yesterdays post ~ THANK YOU!

I'll be ok. I promise.

Rest assured. 
There are good days and bad days. 

Most weeks have more good days than bad days.

My favorite part about roller coasters is getting off. I can handle the level parts. Deal with the corners. The highs reveal some wonderful views. But the lows ... oh the lows. Not a fan. The dips I can deal with but the lows physically hurt. So I will do my best to ride this one out. And wait for my turn to get off. I know it will come. With patience. 

Thanks for holding my hand and giving me the courage to ride it out.

I promise to tell you about the frogs soon.

shoulders .. those things you find on either side of something. 
your head, the street, seasons .. you get the idea
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  1. I will give my aunt your blog address, because she went to Prague and really loved it.

    I love roller coasters, but not emotional ones!

  2. I recognize every single one of your emotions, and the fact that there are good and bad days. I know that you will feel better with time... I have been there and it's so hard on the bad days.
    The hardest thing for me was not knowing what happened, and I see that you write something about that. I have settled with the fact that we will never know, and that made a big change for me. I know it's so hard, but you will get there.
    I hope you have someone to talk with, that have experienced loosing a child, it is so good to talk with someone that truly understands.

    I hope my comment isn't to personal or offends you in any way, I just want you to know that I feel for you and your husband.

  3. My dear, darling, wonderful, insightful Jovita. As I wrote yesterday, I hold you in my thoughts daily. I think you are making remarkable progress in the face of something no one should have to live with/through. I'm sure it feels like one step forward, one step back some days, maybe like yesterday, but you are doing awesome overall.

    I hope that somehow, now or in the future, you can find some comfort in knowing that Saskia and Arne are with you always, in pure spirit. They have not left you. They were a part of your life for a reason. It may take a long time to figure out what that reason is, but in the end, I believe that we all return to pure spirit and you will be reunited.

    So, what's a good time of the year to visit Belgium?? :-) I really think we should plan something at some point. One thing high on my bucket list is to return to Germany after having been an exchange student in '73.

    Please know I love you, dear one. And I'm here anything you want to talk.

    All my love, Deb xoxoxo

    PS: I just ordered a computer with a built-in camera, so we can Skype pretty soon. (I may need some lessons!) :-)

  4. May He make your days and nights easier and more peaceful soon. I am in awe with each post I read as to your strength. Blessings to you and DH.


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